Living a Lie
by Lady Feather
Summary: JJ's thoughts the morning after Chapter 4 of "A Time of Epiphanies". Characters owned by Ms. Sanami Matoh. I just like to play with them occasionally. A few swear words. Serious adult undertones. Beta'd by Daxemon - my JJ expert. Enjoy!


**Living a lie**

JJ awoke feeling like every muscle in his body was burning, like they had been tied in knots. As he sat up he realized he had never gotten undressed after he fell onto bed last night, he still had his shoes on. He must have cried himself to sleep, the nightmare of what he had witnessed just too much for him to absorb at the time. He felt like he hadn't slept at all, still exhausted from the all the emotions that played out hours before. He slowly stripped out of his clothes and slipped on his robe.

Dee was now a big red **X **in his dating book. There was no way he had a chance, not now, not after what he had seen at the club. Dee and Ryo. Lovers without a doubt – no one could misinterpret what was being radiated from them. They were together as one and only a fool would try to break that bond. But why did they have to look so complete together?

_So now what should I do? How should I act at work? I'll probably have to continue the routine, only now it will just be an act. Putting on the show for everyone to see what they had come to expect to see. Like nothing's changed ... same old – same old. Just like Dee is doing with Ryo._

**_Except now my whole fucking world is upside down, inside out, and blown to bits. _**

He sat on the edge of the bed, his head resting in his hands, remembering the joy he felt when he first saw Dee again. The day he was transferred to the 27th to be one of their snipers he was overjoyed. He knew Dee was stationed there and couldn't wait to see him. They had gone different ways but still both wound up as detectives.

He had gone down to the practice range to test his newly issued weapon and saw that there were two officers already there. He decided to show off a bit; nothing like letting them know where they stand. After letting loose the full round directly into the center of the target to get their attention, he turned to accept the praise he knew they would heap on him. That's when he realized one of the officers was Dee – his long-lost Academy buddy Dee.

If anything Dee was more handsome than ever, the years they were apart had matured him into someone even more desirable, if that was possible. It reactivated the tugs on the heart strings. Unable to contain his emotions he threw himself at Dee and planted a kiss on him with every bit of long-denied affection he could muster. Dee responded in his old routine way – he pushed him off at arms length and yelled at him. Ah, the good old days, how he missed this!

After the other officer hastily left the room Dee had turned on him and informed him that the gentleman who had just left was his current work partner, and he was planning on making the other definition of the word 'partner' pertain to him also. But JJ didn't pay attention to most of what Dee said – he was too busy hugging his long-absent love.

After a bit more insistant pushing and shoving from Dee, JJ broke the hold. Dee uttered a few blistering epithets then left to find Ryo to make sure he wasn't upset or worse. JJ just shrugged it off – Dee hadn't changed a bit. The entire CI unit was to meet in the Chief's office in a half hour and he still had his revolver to clean. Even in his euphoric state JJ wouldn't neglect his weapon. His life just may depend on it being in perfect working order. No officer wanted to use their weapon, but if it became necessary it had better work properly.

The introductions to the CI unit went well until the Chief had to choose someone to partner with JJ. Of course JJ had to offer his personal suggestion to place him under Dee's tender loving care since they went to the Academy together, and the Chief agreed. Little did JJ realize when he offered the solution that Ryo came with Dee as part of a pair. Now he needed to ascertain exactly where Ryo stood when it came to Dee. He really didn't need any competition, not after finally being reunited with his first love. When he bluntly asked Ryo about Dee, Ryo's answer was cool and collected, writing Dee off as a player. But yet ... there were undertones that there might be some interest on his part. This could be a problem.

Yes, even back then he could see Dee's attraction to Ryo, even without Dee's blatant comment on his 'partner's standing'. But he didn't care – Dee was his to adore again. His Greek god now graced his every working day with his presence. He was in heaven. Or so he allowed himself to believe.

Still deep in thought he shuffled to the bathroom. He could call out today, but what would that accomplish? The fact that Dee was 'permanently hands off' would still exist tomorrow. So why postpone the inevitable? He had to face it sooner or later.

He stopped in front of the sink, raising his tired eyes to the medicine cabinet. "What are you looking at, you poor excuse of a human!", he muttered to the reflection in the mirror. "Truth really hurts big time, doesn't it? Where's that signature JJ bounce today? Gotta smile and make it look good for the audience." He dropped his head forward and sighed deeply. _Yeah, right, like I care right now. I lost him – fair and square – and I don't even know when. Congratulations Ryo. You've got quite a catch in Dee._

A handful of ibuprofen and the shower helped bring some life back to his aching body but he still didn't relish the thoughts of running into either Dee or Ryo today. Not that they knew he had seen them. They were so wrapped up in each other, so tightly entwined…. Again his mind brought back the unwanted images from the club. _Damn them! Why are they so happy when I'm so miserable?_

Clad only in his bathrobe and slippers he wandered to the kitchen to make some coffee and breakfast. He had a bit of serious thinking to do before needing to get ready for work. Thankfully he was on second shift this week.

_What is it that bothers me most about last night, that Dee has a lover or that the lover is Ryo? That Ryo is the lover, of course. _

_But that brings up another question: why does the fact that Ryo is his lover bother me more?_

_Because Ryo is to Dee what I want to be, but know I can never be. Because Ryo's the one Dee loves. And Ryo loves Dee. Probably more than I ever did by the look in his eyes. But the main reason? ... because Ryo never encouraged Dee's feelings – quite the opposite – it all came about naturally! I can't fight that. After seeing them last night, there is absolutely no doubt about that. They __**do**__ belong together. _

_Do I really love Dee? Did I ever __**really**__ love Dee?_

_Yes, at one time long, long ago. But since I came to the 27__th__? No. I was just trying to rekindle something that died out long ago. Since I've been here he's just an infatuation. A reason not to take a chance on giving my heart to someone again. Oh yes, I did that once, with Walter. That was a disaster from the word GO wasn't it? And what did I do after Walter? I went right back and chased Dee harder than ever. I could pretend he loved me, wanted me. He was safe. He would never hurt me. He wouldn't break my heart – he couldn't break my heart. Because he didn't love me. And I knew it._

_Dee didn't go out with others – men or women – as he waited for Ryo. Because he loved him, truly loved him. What did I do? I chased him while I went looking for someone of my own. As soon as I found someone, I slacked off chasing Dee. I never truly loved him at all since I came here. I was just trying to resurrect something long dead._

_Well, now that I've gotten that last little epiphany out of the way, where do I go from here?_

_I can't tell them I know. I can't let anyone know. I can't jeopardize the relationship they have, not now. From what I saw last night those clothes on Ryo weren't brand new, the leather fit too well and looked very comfortably worn in. Bet they've been together for a long time, maybe years. And I never even saw it. I was too wrapped up in chasing a rainbow. Jemy, sometimes you can be the perfect model of stupidity, easily and completely blind-sided by a pretty face and hot body._

He went over to take his cup from the cabinet. The coffee was done and he hadn't even started making the rest of breakfast.

#=#=#=#=#

He stopped himself from grabbing the dark grey suit and grey shirt. 

_Your clothes reflect your emotions. Stay away from dark. Keep it bright and shiny. Be better to grab that pink shirt with the pink and grey paisley silk tie. Add the light grey sports jacket and dark grey pants you'll look more like your normal self. There, don't we look happy?_

_**NO!**_

_What do I do? I can't let on that I know. And I can't just stop chasing him. Then both Dee and Ryo will suspect something and possibly the others may too – and that will put their relationship in jeopardy. Ryo may have won but I can't do that to him, to them. They deserve their happiness as much as it hurts me to admit it._

_Arrgh! It's damned if I do, damned if I don't. I don't like these kinds of choices. Dee, it looks like we finally __**do **__have something in common – we're each putting on an act to hide our true feelings from the others. Well, if you can do it, I can do it – I hope._

JJ fretted all the way to work. His mood matched the weather – grey and gloomy. What to do, what to say, how to avoid Dee as much as possible. He still didn't have, for lack of a better phrase, a definite plan of attack.

He was still trying to formulate a plan when he reached the fourth floor. Uh oh. Well, this was the test. Dee was walking toward the end of the hall, his back toward him. _You were pretty good as an actor in college, Jemy old boy. You can do this – think of it as a scene out of a hit Broadway production._

_**Places everyone. Showtime people!**_ "DEE-SEMPAI!!!"

"Get off me JJ, dammit! You made me spill my coffee again. Why can't you just say hello! or hi! or good afternoon! like everybody else?"

"Oh my, my Dee-sempai is grumpy today. Not enough sleep last night? In that case I'll leave you be for the rest of the day. Maybe you can get Ryo to do some of your paperwork so you can catch a quick nap." JJ patted Dee on the shoulder then quickly turned and walked away, holding back the tears that threatened to show him up as the fraud he had become.

_One day down, how many more to go?_

"Huh?" Still brushing the coffee from his sunflower tie Dee watched in confusion as JJ walked back down the hallway to his office.

Dee was still thinking about JJ's odd statement as he entered the ' Laytner & MacLean' office. Ryo was at his desk looking up a few suspicious old case files on the computer, getting a head start on the case work Dee was already shirking.

"JJ's acting strange today. He just glomped me then said he'd leave me alone the rest of the day. He thought I was tired or something. What the hell? Even when I came in injured he didn't leave me alone all day. Not even for an hour. Wonder what's wrong – maybe he's not feeling well?"

Ryo looked up at Dee and shrugged his shoulders. "Hey, he's your buddy, not mine. I have no idea what to think of that. Maybe he's finally giving up? Hopefully? How many years has it been now? As far as I'm concerned you could use a break from all the bruising. And personally I'm tired of seeing you bruised."

#=#=#=#=#

JJ never thought it would come to this. He now looked forward to the days he didn't work the same shift as Dee. The days that he didn't have to 'play the part'. For the first week it was difficult coming up with excuses not to hang around, to follow him. And the enthusiasm he was able to project while he was acting the part was waning by the day. He was slowly accepting the fact that he needed to find someone that would love him back. He needed a distraction and soon – and he wasn't getting any younger.

After three weeks passed even Ryo was getting concerned. Now both he and Dee kept checking with Drake to see if he had talked with JJ or if JJ mentioned any problems. If he had a new love in his life he wouldn't be as despondent as he seemed to be lately. Whenever he was just starting a relationship he would back off Dee a bit, but he was always happy – the normal super-bouncy JJ. He was anything but that at the moment.

But Drake hadn't been all that helpful. Seems he had just gone through a breakup with his current-now-ex girlfriend and was seriously depressed about it. In fact, he was spending a lot more time than normal on the roof while JJ sat in the office alone. After the third time Ryo came in that day and asked if he was feeling OK or if he needed help with something JJ decided to join Drake on the roof. He probably needed cheering up right about now. And it's not like Drake couldn't use a distraction either. Grabbing his coat he headed for the roof.

Continued in Like, Like, Love … by Sanami Matoh.


End file.
